House Rules. Monopoly is a real-estate board game that has been played in millions of homes throughout the United States. This game has an uncanny way of revealing the true personality of players as they try to stay financially healthy while forcing their friends, now turned foes, into bankruptcy. It even has the power to turn the sweet innocence of your grandmother into a gangster when she rolls the dice and lands on Free Parking. Give her the MONEY!! This game has caused more than its fair share of marital fights, leading to cold nights sleeping on the couch. On top of all this, you can add the factor known as “House Rules.” Every family has their own set of House Rules and you must abide by them, depending on whose home you’re playing in. The official Parker Brothers rules have no jurisdiction there. You must learn quickly and you must adapt. House Rules are the unwritten rules that are not just for Monopoly, but for any game that is played in someone’s home. In this week’s Honest Conversation, I am going to discuss the House Rules that govern churches and denominations. They are rarely spoken about, but most pastors know what they are and for many churches these House Rules sometimes take precedence over the Word of God. Just because these House Rules are accepted in many of our communities of worship, that does not mean they should supersede God’s standard for Holiness that is characterized by His grace and mercy.
In Numbers 12:3, Moses is described as being the most humble person on the face of the earth, yet even he succumbed to his own version of House Rules. Moses was instructed by God to speak to a rock in the desert and God would then cause water to pour out of it so the nation of Israel could have fresh water to drink. Rather than simply speaking to it as God had directed him, Moses decided to strike the rock twice in front of the gathered assembly. Oddly enough, water came out of it, and everyone saw a miracle. This miracle came at a price because rather than obeying God’s instructions, Moses decided to play by his own House Rules. Because of his disobedience, Moses was disqualified from entering the promised land. Another notable person that played by his own House Rules was King Saul. He was given specific instructions by God, but King Saul decided to do his own thing because he feared man more than God. He craved the praise of his army and disregarded the priority that God places on obedience. The battle was won by Saul’s army that day but because of Saul’s House Rules, God rejected him as king and cut his dynasty short. These two instances are a good reminder that just because our churches seem to be winning some battles and that miracles may be occurring within their midst, it does not necessarily mean that all is well. Our man-made House Rules should never supersede our obedience toward God’s Word.
I must be honest that I struggle when denominational leaders know that what is going on is wrong, but they do nothing about it. It’s tough to watch as the most corrupt leaders seem to ride the wave of God’s blessing. It does not make sense, but I am reminded that House Rules will only temporarily benefit the house you are playing in. Eventually, the God in whom I trust who holds the scales of justice in His hands, knows what is best for His kingdom. Playing by their own House Rules has allowed well-known pastors to falsely prophecy about our past election and they never had to repent for it. Another recent example of playing by House Rules is when a large denomination asked their churches to fast for three weeks but during that time period hosted some of their key district leaders at a nice dinner. Couldn’t they just wait 21 days? Why is it that many leaders don’t see how duplicitous that looks? I continue to be disheartened when pastors are known to be committing adultery and their “leaders” just turn the other way. The sad thing is, everyone knows about it but as long as our churches can pass GO one more time, they’ll be able to collect $200 and possibly survive another round until leadership has a chance to fix it. I will never forget when I blew the whistle on my pastor having an affair on his wife and I was then illegally fired for it. My termination was painful for my family, but it was not the worst thing about the situation. Far worse was the cover up that came from men and women that I had relied upon as spiritually mature leaders. Their relationship with the president of the denomination trumped my livelihood and the reputation of my family. Nobody ever talks about these things, but everyone who works for a church or a denomination knows about them. It was extremely difficult to find myself in the situation once again where my family experienced the heavy hand of an unscrupulous pastor and his wife for the sake of their own self-obsession, blaming colleagues and subordinates for their own failures. [see The Church of Yellowstone for detailed list from Harvard Business Review] But I have worked in these settings long enough to understand it because if you are not the person in control of the House Rules you must abide by them. I have made the decision not only to talk openly about them but hopefully to start talking about it to people that can make a difference.
So how do we deal with these House Rules? Many have asked, are there any safe places left where earnest believers can simply go to church? This question is especially on the minds of many who have been open about their spiritual abuse and have been met with disregard. After the dust settled from our last church setting, our family made this decision: As for me and my house, will serve the Lord. This is my first and most important decision. Second, there is no perfect church. The simple way to start is to take a meek and humble approach in asking questions about what a church believes and how the church is governed. There are many types of church governances out there and each type should provide that information on their website or to you personally. Do not be afraid to ask about money. Healthy churches are accountable and should be willing and able to show what all the finances are used for. If a church does not share financial information with members, ask if they are willing to change that or start looking for a church that does. Honest Conversations is currently developing worksheet guides that you can bring to ask questions of your church or leadership representative. These guides will provide you with straightforward questions that we know we should ask but we may not know exactly how to express it. We are doing this because we believe that the local church can be healthy and vibrant within its community as we work together to make it healthier.