Throughout our 31 years working in full-time ministry, friends and co-laborers have consistently asked us, how did we survive for so long working from the second chair? My answer consistently has been that we know the difference between moral decisions and preference decisions. The contrast between the two is that moral decisions are easy to make. Moral decisions are choices between right and wrong. These choices are not hard to discern, although they are not always easy to walk out. Moral decisions are the intersections in life where you have to choose to go left or right. Decisions of preferences, however, have no moral implications. A decision of preference might be me calling something purple while others prefer to call it lavender. When choosing based on preference, many different outcomes would all be morally correct but a person picks what he or she likes based on methodology or taste. From a young age we understood not to confuse moral decisions with preference choices and understood that our position was to steward the Church to the best of our abilities regardless of our preferences. The reason for my wife and I resigning after three decades of service was because the ecology of the church no longer lives between these two choices. Towards the end of our tenure in ministry, the choices before us were more often between the lesser of two evils. Narcissism drives this ecology and has created opportunities for dependency and abuse in every aspect of church life. Well known author Chuck DeGroat, says it best, “I don’t think it’s an overstatement to say that the place where traumatic, emotional abuse is most understood, outside of the US court system, is in the church.” The western church is one of the best places for narcissistic leaders to grow and for them to groom the next generation.
We believe that the Church is His beautiful reflection of His glory, positioned to be here on this earth to tell the good news of Jesus, to recite the power of His resurrection. It exists to see repentant hearts be discipled by a church willing to go the ends of the earth. So why are we writing this? We believe there is a season that is coming that we as the church need to get ready for. Instead, we are becoming what we are tolerating. Many of us can easily recall pastors that have fallen to the seduction of money, sexual addiction, lying, self-ambition, and addiction to power. Often after a short season, we see them brought back through a cheap form of grace into positions of power and leadership with no real change, but a nationally published book talking about their redemption. We understand why it is tolerated within the leadership of the church. They live in an ecology that is driven hard by narcissism. This narcissistic culture has different levels of severity, each with its own set of symptoms, just as there is a difference between having a cough, having a fever and being in the ICU. Those that serve in these ecologies have different roles to play and different needs. The newly arrived leader/staff person has lot of things they want to accomplish. They dive in hard and do whatever it takes to be noticed, using their platform to get ahead in order to monetize it. On the other end of the spectrum, we find the leader/staff person with many years of experience, who becomes complacent in the face of a changing culture for the fear of losing their friends, their influence, their golden parachute, or maybe even being fired if they stand up for what is right. Narcissistic leaders can be very calculating. They know how to read the room and how to read people. They understand how to leverage any situation to best help themselves…everything has an angle. They will do anything and everything to be your champion or even become a sacrifice, a victim for you. This confuses people because they see the success of their pastor/leader and their ministry, yet they also see the bullying and manipulation. This leader places their bet on the hope that everyone will tolerate this behavior if they give people what they are desiring. They will overwhelm you with attention until they get what they need from you. After that, it’s off to the next project. They are betting that you and others will look the other way because, unfortunately, it is the only way to survive in this paradigm.
Do not look the other way… it’s okay to ask questions! Some might ask, why are we doing this in a public forum? Because accountability is good thing. We are doing this because we want to tell our story, hoping that after 31 years, we can encourage the newly arrived leader to never let their character be outpaced by charisma. And to encourage the leader with many years of experience to stand up for what is right. Our desire is to help, as we have had the privilege of already doing so. We are empathetic and at the same time we have a conviction to speak about this systemic culture for the hope of healthy leaders leading God’s beautiful Church. Also, we hope to encourage those that have given and feel forgotten and manipulated. God hears and has not forgotten you.
Our family has spent these past ten months as a time of healing and renewed perspective. It has not been easy, as we have been lied to, lied about, and slandered. That’s another story for a different day. Thank you for being a part our journey. Here are a few topics that we see within the ecology of today’s North American Church, and we are looking forward to talking about very soon: private inurement, accountability (financial, doctrinal, emotional, work environment), tricks of the church trade.
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